Image by Gage Skidmore via Flickr
Jezebel has posted a list of the ten “Assiest” moments from the most recent Republican debate. They call these moments those that “outshone the others in their sheer jaw-dropping, chaotic dickery.” Really, you’ll want to read the snark right from the source because I just can’t compete with it. Check out the full list here.
1. Republican “family values” means that three-year-olds love C-Span and Michele Bachmann speaks for women. Republicans love to whip out their families and measure them against each other. Rick Santorum opened the debate with a greeting for his three-year-old daughter who had just had surgery that day, which was sort of sweet until you realize that three-year-olds don’t want to watch a Presidential debate; they want to watch Yo Gabba Gabba.
Mr. Santorum later went on to spout some serious anti-gay marriage talk and reminded us that it’s his stance on gay marriage that got Santorum in hot water with Dan Savage, resulting in the word “santorum” now meaning . . . well, Google it.
Michele Bachmann, meanwhile, called out to America’s moms during part of the debate when everyone was shouting about Obamacare. She looked right at the camera and told moms personally that she understands Moms. What a weirdo.
2. Ron Paul got up on the wrong side of the bed. Ron Paul believes in deregulation of everything, including complete anarchy with respect to the sizing of men’s suits. Really, Rep. Paul, get a tailor.
3. Mitt Romney and his illegals. The segment of the debate that addressed immigration kicked off when Rick Perry referred to undocumented immigrants as “illegals.” Next, Gov. Perry accused Mitt Romney of hiring “illegals” to work on his yard. Mr. Romney got mad and said that wasn’t true; he’d hired a landscaping company that had hired illegals, and when he found out there were illegals working on his property, he fired that company. That’s why, Mr. Romney said, we need to have a universal check on people’s Social Security numbers.
4. Rick Perry doesn’t believe in answering the questions asked of him. At one point, Anderson Cooper pressed Perry to respond to the questions he asked with answers relevant to the questions, and Perry responded that he didn’t have to answer jack shit.
5. Herman Cain thinks Americans are capable of doing math. Mr. Cain urged all Americans to visit his website, look at the economic analysis of his nine-nine-nine plan, and do the math themselves. The man obviously doesn’t realize that shit is complicated.
6. The audience. The audience at these debates, with their clapping for Gov. Perry’s boast about how many people he’s executed, always seems to draw from a segment of the population that is exceptionally evil. Last night, they clapped for Herman Cain’s insistence that Occupy Wall Street protesters are to blame for the collapse of Wall Street.
The white audience also responded enthusiastically when the black candidate onstage revisited statements he made wherein he pledged to electrocute Mexicans.
7. Newt Gingrich calling for an appeal to morality and prayer. America needs a leader that is a strong moral person, insists the man who conducted an affair with a married woman while he was married and is now on his third marriage, to a woman he began dating while he was still with his ex-wife. “I, frankly, would be really worried if somebody assured me that nothing in their faith would affect their judgments, because then I’d wonder, where’s your judgment. How can you have judgment if you have no faith? And how can I trust you with power if you don’t pray?”
8. Michele Bachmann wants everybody to pay taxes. Michele Bachmann wanted people to know that it’s important that every single American pay something into the tax system. Every single one, even if they can just pay a dollar. Cough up, babies.
9. 100% of Republicans agree: a health care plan that has yet to be implemented is ruining America. Bachmann once again mischaracterized the same report she cited in the last Republican debate, the one that she says claims that overregulation in the form of Obamacare is leading to American economic regression. Ron Paul swears Americans would be healthier if they just let the free market take care of them. Herman Cain called the Affordable Care Act a disaster. Too bad most of the plan’s provisions don’t take effect until 2014.
10. Can we please revisit this “illegals” thing? Michele Bachmann accused the President’s family of being “illegals,” claimed that Iranian terrorists were coming into the country through Mexico, and then lamented the existence of anchor babies. Rick Perry boasted about his efforts to combat “illegals” in Texas. Herman Cain chuckled at the idea of electrocuting people. Mitt Romney wants to outsource our foreign aid budget to China, because if there’s one way to make sure that we remain highly regarded by the rest of the world, it’s cutting the 1% of the national budget that we use on foreign aid and letting China take care of everyone so that everyone begins to like China more than us. Michele Bachmann suggested that the countries we “liberated” should be required to reimburse us for the cost of the war that we waged in their countries and that American troops in Iraq should get criminal immunity.