Daily Archives: April 1, 2012

Santorum: “God Is Testing Me”

Miley Cyrus singing in concert

Miley Cyrus singing in concert (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

CAP News caught up with Rick Santorum on the campaign trail and sat down for an interview with the Presidential hopeful. The candidate sounded upbeat when asked about poll results and remaining primaries, although his mood was pensive.

“My intention to continue my campaign is as strong as ever, despite the challenges I currently face,” Mr. Santorum said.

Mr. Santorum believes God istesting him in the form of pop sensation Miley Cyrus. “Some may say that this is Satan’s doing,” he said. “But in my heart of hearts I cannot imagine that any creature as beautiful as Miley Cyrus could ever be the work of the devil.”

Mr. Santorum took his daughter to see a Hannah Montana concert last fall and couldn’t get her out of his mind for weeks. “Every time I tried to focus on day-to-day matters, such as drafting legislation to criminalize birth control or shopping online for sweater vests, my thoughts would wander,” he admitted. “And there she would be, wholesome and innocent in her sassy pink jacket and high-tops, unknowingly fanning my most wicked desires into a blazing, sinful inferno.”

At this, Santorum stopped himself. “I should note that Miss Cyrus is nineteen years old, so it would theoretically be perfectly legal for me to lie with her in a procreative fashion once we had pledged ourselves to each other for eternity in front of God,” he said.

Mr. Santorum paused to beat his head with his fists for several moments.

“Sometimes I can go hours without dreaming of that seductive siren,” he said. “And other days it seems like whenever I happen to turn on the Disney Channel weekdays at 3pm and again at 7:30, there she is!”

Although he is suffering, Mr. Santorum believes he will come out of this a stronger person.

“My wife Karen stands by me with grace and courage,” he said. “I’m so grateful for her support. Every time I’m about to fall into a pit of shameful lust, she reminds me that I am better than this, and that God Himself wants me to beat it.”

CAP News asked Mr. Santorum about the photographs that had surfaced of an underage Ms. Cyrus partying until the early morning hours, to which he responded that “it’s just a phase” and that she has a good heart and will repent. “Of course, it might help her if she had a strong role model,” he added. “An older man, one with wisdom and experience, to guide her firmly back into the fold and to teach her how to be a pious, submissive woman.”

Via CAP News. Happy April 1!

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Gingrich Preparing for Convention

Newt Gingrich has replaced his campaign manager and is laying off a third of his staff, but has vowed to continue his bid for the Republicanpresidential nomination, despite overwhelming evidence that the party no longer wants him to run.

November 8: Republicans gain control of Congre...

November 8: Republicans gain control of Congress (Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich pictured) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“The campaign is being redesigned to make it convention ready,” spokesman R.C. Hammond said. “Speaker Gingrich is committed to going all the way to Tampa.”

Tampa, Florida, hosts the party’s national convention in August.

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Republicans Want Gingrich, Paul to Stop Running

Newt Gingrich at a political conference in Orl...

Newt Gingrich at a political conference in Orlando, Florida. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most Republicans would like to see Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul drop their bids for the presidential nomination, according to a new CNN/ORC poll.

Six in 10 Republicans say Mr. Gingrich should drop out of the race. Sixty-one percent say Rep. Paul should drop out.

Most Republicans don’t want former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum to end his campaign for the nomination, the survey reveals.

Mitt Romney continues to be the favorite choice among respondents, with 36% supporting the former governor from Massachusetts, up from 32% in February.

Most Republicans also say their party’s nomination should be determined by the primaries and caucuses and not at the convention in August.

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Scalia Fails to Name the Nine Supreme Court Justices

Antonin Scalia - Caricature

Antonin Scalia - Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

Associate Justice Antonin Scalia struggled to recall the names of all nine active Supreme Court justices while playing a trivia game Thursday, sources confirmed.

“Let’s see, there’s Breyer, um…Ginsburg. Pretty sure that’s one. And, uh, there’s that guy with the bow tie and the pinched face,” said Justice Scalia, noting that his difficulty in answering stemmed largely from the significant turnover on the nation’s highest court since he memorized the names of its members in high school. “I can picture him in the photo, but what’s his name? Oh, I remember Clarence Thomas, of course, because of the Anita Hill thing, and then there’s that Mexican woman with the name that’s impossible to pronounce. And…Kerrigan?”

After initially declining offers of a hint, Justice Scalia reportedly caved in and asked if someone could just give him the first couple letters of each justice’s last name.

Via The Onion. Happy April 1!

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ACT, SAT Institute New Anti-Cheating Policies

Even though the SAT or ACT is preferred in dif...

Even though the SAT or ACT is preferred in different places, all states offer both. According to the preference map, 24 states prefer the ACT, while slightly more, 26, prefer the SAT supercedes in place of File:Sat-act preference.PNG Source accessed March 18, 2007. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After a cheating scandal, the SAT and ACT will require students to send a photo when they register for the exams, which officials will check against the identification the students who take the test.

The rules are part of a set of changes announced on Tuesday in the aftermath of the cheating cases, when high-scoring students used fake IDs to take the SAT or ACT for other students. The changes will take effect in the fall.

Kathleen M. Rice, the district attorney in Nassau County, charged twenty teens from five high schools last fall; five students were accused of taking tests for others. Fifteen were accused of paying them $500 to $3,600 to take the tests. Ms. Rice said up to fifty students might have been involved.

The photograph that students must upload or mail in will be on their admission tickets and the roster at the test center. Ms. Rice also said colleges would receive students’ photos when they got their scores, but after questions were raised about whether the photos could unduly sway the admissions process, her office said it would reconsider the requirement.

Test-takers will be required to name their high school, which will receive their scores. Previously, it was up to students to decide whether their scores were sent to their high schools, making it difficult for schools to detect suspicious scores. Now, the schools will receive a photo of the student who took the test and the score.

Students will also have to provide their gender and birth date. Officials said one of the five teenagers arrested a 2010 graduate of Great Neck North High School, had taken tests for opposite-gender students with gender-neutral names.

The testing services will also end standby test registration, in which students can register the day they take the exam. Students will also have to certify their identity in writing at the test center and acknowledge the possibility of prosecution for impersonation.

Via The New York Times.

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Filed under Crime and Punishment, Education, National, Stupid Is As Stupid Does

GOP to Turn to Public Domain Music for Campaign

Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use.

“Currently, the only artists who have not issued court injunctions against Republicans for playing a song on the campaign trail are Kid Rock and Barry Manilow,” said John Brabender, a senior strategist for Rick Santorum, adding that he “wouldn’t be surprised” if Manilow’s lawyer already has a cease-and-desist letter in the mail. “The only options left are in the public domain. So it’s looking more and more likely that the Santorum campaign will make ‘Turkey In The Straw’ the official anthem of its White House run.”

According to sources, Mitt Romney took the stage during a Wisconsin campaign event Thursday with “Jimmy Crack Corn” blaring from gymnasium speakers.

Via The Onion. Happy April 1, everyone!

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House Passes Pointless Republican Budget

Official portrait of Congressman .

Official portrait of Congressman . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The House of Representatives passed the Republican leadership’s 2013 budget plan by a vote of 228-191.

The measure has no chance of passing the Democratic controlled Senate but creates a contrast between the two parties on a number of tax and spending issues.

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan‘s $3.53 trillion blueprint includes an overhaul of the nation’s tax code and changes to popular programs such as Medicare.

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Filed under Politics, Stupid Is As Stupid Does